(Disclaimer – This article is a work of satire based on the author’s experiences in Mexico. The drops described in this article are dangerous and people have sustained major injuries from running them. This writing is meant purely for your enjoyment and not as a true “guide.”)
Mexico is THE place to go if you are looking to take a kayaking stokebatical during the winter months. It is one of the coolest places to paddle your kayak with incredible gorges and world class rivers. Sure, it is a gorgeous country with lots of culture to experience, but it’s the waterfalls that bring all the boys to the yard! As with any trip, you want to plan ahead and know what to watch out for.
Some words of wisdom to get you started on your trip:
- Bring your A game! There are countless tall waterfalls with smoothly rolling lips, like your mom’s. Some very friendly, but plenty of others have hydraulics in bowl shaped cauldrons waiting to beat you down. If your boof looks like a buffalo falling off a cliff, the drops in this article may be something to take some time to work up to.
- Always have a solid plan for how to get to the river. Every compass rose has its thorn and it is easy to get lost in the jungle. The last thing you need is to have to strangle a mountain lion on the way to the river!
- Get plenty of rest and be prepared for long days. You will need your energy and the food at Aventurec is very good. If a Puppy Monkey Baby brings you a Mountain Dew Kickstart at breakfast, say thank you and enjoy the energy boost!
- The water quality on some of the rivers is quite poor. Close your mouth and protect open wounds. The Alseseca River especially will put stuff on you that Ajax won’t take off!
- Don’t drink the water out of the tap. No one likes cleaning up a fresh Jackson Polluck on the wall of your cabana and waffle stomping in the shower isn’t much fun either.
After you have taken all the proper precautions, there is nothing left to do but don your Indiana Jones hat, head off into the jungle, and get after it! On second thought, throw the Indiana Jones hat in the trash. You don’t want the people of Mexico thinking you are a giant douche!
I went down with Calleva’s Liquid Adventures for their Advanced Mexico trip. We had a hard charging crew that included Steve McKone, Johnny Brooks, Ryan McElliot, Anand Blum, Ashlee Nee, Charlie Miller, Tom McEwan, Adam Muldoon, Bill Durr, Roy Harris, and Ian Brown. It was a week filled with difficult runs and big drops. Here is a description of the best of the best in Tlapacoyan!
Best Race – Alseseca Race
The Alseseca Race is a must do if you are kayaking in the area. The run is filled with tons of fun waterfalls and ledges. Halfway through the course lies the infamous S Turn rapid where the river snakes through a narrow slot canyon barely wider than a boat in spots. The whole race takes 13-14 minutes, so it is a grueling paddle. Many drops are of the rolling lip variety, so timing your boof stroke to keep your momentum is critical. There is also plenty of slow water between the drops so It can be easy to wear down. Live by Rule #5 and keep hammering!
I agreed to let the footage of me in the race be used in an anti-drug campaign. They came up with a catchy little jingle with amusing lyrics like “Did you know that bath salts will make you want to eat your face? Don’t do that! Go on a boat race!” I’m sure this will resonate with the young folks of today and influence them to make good choices. Right!
We piled as many boats on the roof of the van and packed the inside full of people for the drive to the race. Gear bags were strapped down on the roof with the boats. On the drive, I looked out the back window and saw my bag dangling perilously off the back like an elephant’s nut sack! I was nervous about losing my gear on Day 1, but luckily the straps held. Upon arriving, I walked to the registration table to check in. I signed up early for the race online to hopefully speed up this process and improve my grid position. The race starts the afternoon so it can be a long day of sitting around.
I had finished in the top 10 the year before, so I figured I would be starting fairly early in this year’s race. When I saw my starting position near the back of the pack, I asked the coordinators why. They told me that I was old and that the old guys and the 1st time racers start at the end. I tell ya, I get no respect, no respect at all! I told them that, like wine, some kayakers get better with age. They then tried to lock me in a cellar! On the way to the start line, I passed a grave yard and some guys tried to throw me in. The organizers even offered to let me use a prototype E Kayak (electric) to help me finish the race. I had to defend myself so I retorted that all the other racers didn’t stand a chance because they were all 8 track tapes and I’m a compact disc! When all I received back were confused stares, I knew I needed to walk away before I embarrassed myself anymore. All this old man talk was harshing my mellow, so I decided to go into the boat trailer and drink a large container of the Tussin and “Robotrip” to pass the time. The feeling was freaking fantastic! I was tripping like Jesus in the dessert when he fasted!
The afternoon sun was beating down on all of us waiting to race and it was hotter than Satan’s butthole on a Taco Tuesday! Overheating was a definite concern for the race. Eventually, it was my turn to race and I headed into the course paddling hard. SUR LA PLAQUE MoFos! I aced all of my lines with surgical precision and was stoked with my run. The takeout provided a gathering of all the paddlers, cheering each other on as racers crossed the finish line. The celebration continued at the party in town. I went on a bender of Don Julio and grapefruit juice. Since I got M’s in my bank account, I drink nothing but the finest tequila! By the time they announced results, I was muy boracho! They called the top 5 on stage. I was excited to get called up for my 5th place finish.
After the awards, the band started playing music. Between sets, I stumbled out onto the stage, grabbed a guitar and a microphone and did my best Spanish version of Air Supply’s mega hit from the 80’s, Lost In Love. The antics continued back at Aventurrec. I had purchased a spear gun at the market in town and used it to scale the tower behind the food pavilion. Apparently, I orinado all over the alfombra in our cabana, which had to be replaced. That was a shame, because that rug really tied the room together. Fun times!
Best Boof – Silencio, Alseseca River
When it comes to big waterfalls that you can charge into and stroke away freely on your boof, there are few that compare to Silencio. Some may argue that there are better boofs, but who’s more qualified to make that declaration than the Dogg! Do not cite the deep magic to me! I was there when it was written!
Standing about 40-45 feet tall, the height would normally deter you from landing flat. However, the massive boil at the bottom acts like a fluffy pillow rising to meet you. While the soft landing will be a welcome feeling, the friendly vibe ends there. The boil will try to typewriter you in any direction, oftentimes left into the wall before releasing you into the long pool below. Choding it deep into the boil puts you at the mercy of the river, so you might as well boof with gusto!
Once you’ve got your courage screwed into its sticking place, it’s time to send it! I like to rout into the drop, boofing the approach ledge and picking up speed heading across to the right. At the lip, I tomahawk the biggest boof stroke I can and then feel the wind in my hair as I sail through the air toward the boil below. Oh Yesh! It’s SCHWEEEEET!!!!!
Best River Section – Big Banana, Alseseca River
The search for the perfect run ends right here! I have had a fantasy of finding that supreme run that stands above all others. John Lennon once said, “You can say I’m a dreamer but I’m not.” Perhaps he had found the Big Banana section! Now, that the secret is out, you don’t have to dream about paddling the greatest run on the planet. You can fly to Mexico and experience kayaking paradise for yourself. Your a$$ is sucking buttermilk if you think there is a better run anywhere in this world!
Adventure is the name of the game when it comes to the Big Banana section. There are few runs out there that can boast as many incredible rapids and gorgeous scenery. From the moment you head up the bumpy road to the put-in, the day has the feel of an epic expedition. The run starts with a mile and a half hike through the jungle along a small creek to get to the river. There have been random gun shots every time I have done this run, but don’t worry reader, no one in my group has been hit by a bullet yet! Just think happy thoughts and keep walking. Eventually, you arrive at the beach at the bottom of 130 foot Big Banana Falls. The spray and wind coming off the falls will give you the feeling of paddling into a hurricane!
Heading downstream, the first mile has several manky rapids before the run settles into a canyon and the true rapids begin. Starting with a chill 25 foot waterfall called Mexican 20, you get the sense that you are really in one of the Earth’s most beautiful places. The river escapes out of the pool below the falls through an unportageable crack in the canyon walls called Mordor. Here, the river funnels down a slide dropping 20-feet and slams into the left wall. You come flying down the slope at Mach 10, burning down the house like a Talking Head, and angle right to avoid smashing the wall. The river calms down for awhile until Silencio, which is followed by a series of three drops with stout holes.
More fun rapids carry you to Meat Locker, a double drop of two 15 footers stacked on top of each other. Although big and intimidating, it is a pretty friendly drop. You boof far right off the first drop and then land and take a second lefty to launch another huge boof. Oh Yeah! It’s a SIKy! Boof or Die follows and is worth proceeding into with caution. Two more rapids of note that follow are Enrique, a clean 20 foot ear dipper, and S*** Drop, an 8 foot drop into an ugly pile of rocks that threatens to cut you up like Sweeney Todd!
At this point you will probably be in awe at how one run could have so many quality rapids. Hold on to your fork though, there’s pie! You end with a double drop creatively named Double Drop, which has two 8 footers and ends in a sweet boof/freewheel spot. As a bonus, the takeout has a bar where you can celebrate your day with shots of homemade cana out of a reused 2 liter bottle! A few sips of that will really put a flame in your torch! We were all extremely hungry so we continued our celebration and headed to the local taco stand to have an authentic Mexican dinner. I became concerned when the cook said he was going in the back to pull the pollo. I mean, what he does off the clock is his business, but let’s keep it clean when preparing food. In the end, the food was excellent as always and everyone left with a full belly.
Most Dangerous Drop – Boof or Die, Alseseca River
A sinister drop lies in the middle of the Big Banana section, appropriately named Boof Or Die. This 8 foot drop has the shape of a weir with walls protruding on either side to create a bowl shaped trap from which a rope would be the only escape. This massive hydraulic could suck the chrome right off a trailer hitch!
Several of us ran it successfully and were below when Adam came over. He missed his boof stroke, went deep, backendered, and spent a long time getting churned around. Luckily, Bill was on shore and he was on point with his rope. Adam was able to grab the rope and get pulled out. Having swallowed copious amounts of Alseseca water, he came out puking with eyes redder than a cicada waking from a 17 year slumber! Hours later, the vomiting still continued and we feared Adam was possessed by el Diablo himself! We decided to play it safe and brought in a local priest to perform the exorcism! It was quite a dramatic scene with the priest appearing to be possessed himself, bursting through the window, and tumbling down the staircase behind the cabanas to his death. Afterwards, Adam had no recollection of the events of that day and then there was the problem of what to do with the priest’s body. That, my friends, is a tale for another time. The moral of this story is don’t miss your boof at Boof or Die!
Best Waterfall – Sidechick, Alseseca River
Tucked away outside of town, at the exit of an un-runable slot canyon, lies a falls that will place a permagrin on your face like no other! The river spills off a clean 50 foot waterfall and into a massive bowl shaped pool. You will never find a better waterfall with such a lopsided fun to danger factor. The risks on this drop are amazingly few. The approach is gentle and a rolling lip plummets down into a sizable boil to cushion your push’in.
We had gone in search of this Holy Grail of a waterfall the year before, but our directions were sketchy at best and we ended up hacking our way through thick banana trees, impenetrable bamboo, and a steep ravine that looked promising but delivered only a dead end. Eventually, I spied with my little eye a billy goat trail heading steeply downhill. A couple of us followed it and it brought us to the falls. It was getting dark so the only thing we could do was look at it and imagine the possibilities. We never made it back there on the previous trip, but at least we gained the knowledge of how to get in there and knew that it was a drop worthy of returning to. In the immortal words of GI Joe, “Knowing is half the battle!” The fire had been lit!
Fast forward a year and I was making the Sidechick a top priority. My wife was none too happy to hear that I was visiting my Sidechick! Keeping The Dogg away from a SIK drop is like trying to pry a half eaten hot dog out of Rottweiler’s mouth! The group was stoked to go in there and, after a quick scout, the only thing left was to get in my boat and paddle off this beast. I slid off the bank, heading right then left to set up for the drop. It was time to hold the line, love isn’t always on time! I got my boat at the desired angle pointing down and tucked just before impact. I celebrated a perfect run in the humongous pool below. Looking up, the falls looked much bigger than we originally thought.
Soon, Steve, Johnny, and Adam fired off the falls, all having great lines. It was awesome to be down there sharing the stoke with my friends. It was raining so the climb up the steep slope to get out of there was more slippery than owl snot. We had friends that lowered a rope to us and helped us get safely to the top. All successful missions are made possible by having a team working together to accomplish the goal. This was quite possibly the greatest park n huck special of all time! I absolutely love this drop! They say that love is the best feeling in the world. However, I think that finding a toilet when you are having explosive diarrhea is a better feeling. But I digress.
Best Live Bait Drop – Toilet Bowl, Lower Jalacingo River
The Toilet Bowl is a `10 foot waterfall with a strange lip that lands in a bowl shaped cauldron that creates a whirlpool that can be tough to escape. The banks are low so it lends itself to setting up safety, especially a live bait to help anyone who are trapped by the uphill climb. The “Grab That B***h” technique can be very helpful to those that get stuck in here. It also can be an effective strategy to knock your friends who ace the drop back into the waterfall. Nothing says LOL! like your buddy struggling to escape this boiling vat of doom while you are hanging on to his grab handle!
Best Freestyle Drop – Tomata 2, Alseseca River
At breakfast one morning, I was approached by a long time friend, none other than the Famous Leif Anderson. He had decided that he and I were going to do Tomata 2 and he wanted to work out the details. I was already thinking about running it so I was pretty happy to have someone join me on this escapade. It made the most sense to do it on a day when we were going to do the 7 Sisters so we could skip the rappel and send the falls. As the trip approached, we both got more and more nervous and I got the sense that the only thing keeping either of us from bailing was the fact that we had agreed to go in there together. Finally, we arrived at the river and I got my first good look at the falls since last year. It looked horrific, I was upset by its visage! The scariest drops are not going away. They are waiting for you to step up and face them. I was honestly thinking of backing out and deep down part of me hoped that Leif would feel the same way. I was shaking like a Dogg pooping thumbtacks when Leif’s group finally showed up. Once geared up our final conversation went like this:
Leif: Are you ready to go run this?
Me: I don’t know. I’m about 50/50.
Leif: Me too. That makes 100%. Let’s go.
So, off we went to find the steep, slippery slope that would lower us down into the scouting area. In all honesty, the climb down in for me was scarier than the rapid itself. Working down a short cliff of slippery hand and foot holds, not far from the lip of this 60 foot rocky waterfall was nothing short of terrifying. It was also a good motivator. Once down in there, I was committed. It was too scary to go back the way I had come so the ONLY choice was to send it over Tomata 2. I had entered Big Balla Zone and it was time to step up.
We scouted and planned our line, with the view of Tomata 1 in the background adding to the magic of being in this place. Leif went first and had a beautiful line, getting over the top two approach holes and lining up with the curler before chucking his paddle and falling nose down into the pool below. I decided that the lip of this falls would be the perfect spot for me to throw a new move I had been working on called the Cobra Flip. I had watched videos of other high profile paddlers throwing them off small, friendly waterfalls. It was time to up the ante! Some might consider it irresponsible to attempt freestyle moves off such a stout drop, kind of like smoking crack and crashing your car into the front of a day care center. However, I beg to differ.
I was ready to offer my throat to wolf with the red rose! I got in my boat, pumped to fire this beast up. Once in the current, I knew there was no putting the toothpaste back in the tube! To get to the falls, I first had to get through the two guardian holes that threaten to ruin even the best laid plans of mice and men. I had little fear of these because deep down I knew that my boof was better than those holes! I timed my strokes and sailed through, but the water boiling off the wall grabbed my left edge and slowly flipped me over. I knew the time for action was now if I wanted to pull off the move. You can’t give up! There is no pulling your finger out of the dike, walking away, and letting things crumble! My Dogg instincts kicked in. I passed under the boat, dropped a wicked People’s Elbow on the lip of the falls as I rolled in mid air and landed upright at the bottom! My Cobra Flip worked perfectly! As I fell through space, I got my body ready by tucking forward to absorb the impact of the 60 foot freefall! I was overall fine at the bottom, just had a scuffed up hand and a bruised elbow. I got my hand taken care of at a small salon in town called La Manecilla El Trabejo where I received excellent service.
I left there a satisfied customer and highly recommend the place. However, my elbow was lacerated and eventually became infected from all the dirty water and bacteria growing in the jungle moisture. Things got ugly when I returned to the United States, but antibiotics got everything cleared up.
Go Kayaking In Mexico!
Finally, my Mexico adventure came to a close. It was time to pack up my balls and go home. I had spent a week running some of the best whitewater anywhere. Day after day. It was a SIK time that I will never forget. I long to return to Mexico. After all, does the sky not miss the sun during the night? Hmmm. Hopefully, the valuable information in this article will trip a little light fantastic and give you the inspiration to head down there. For those who are prepared and ready to send, Mexico can be the vacation of your dreams!
