Roi de la Poutine!
(Disclaimer: This is satire. If you can’t take it as such, please don’t read this story. Also, be sure to click on all the links within the story to fully immerse yourself in the piece. -Bryon)
The Quebec area of Canada boasts some of the best whitewater in the world with reliable levels throughout the summer. It was that time of year when Calleva’s Liquid Adventures holds their Advanced Canada trip, and I was stoked to be going along. When they invited me to come, well I was all abote it like a colony of e coli on room temperature Canadian beef! We had a banner crew that included staff members like Steve O, OG Rhys, Rhys 2.0, Johnny, Charlie, and Anand, along with Bob, Matt, American Rhys, and Tom. Everyone was excited for a week of good old fashioned Class 5 whitewater adventures, and The Dogg was poised to reclaim his title of King of the Poutine!
It had been awhile since I had visited the Great White North. The last time I crossed the border, I got in trouble for “pipi sauvage“ in the middle of Montreal. I really had to go after a lengthy surf session on the Habitat 67 wave and there were only a couple trees around. The residents of that neighborhood didn’t find it amusing, but since The Dogg is a celebrity in Canada, I signed a few autographs for the Mounties and cleared my record.
Steve O requested that the staff show up super early for the trip to go over a few things. Since we were running difficult whitewater, he wanted us to have a refresher in CPR. There were practice dummies set out under the pavilion. The problem was that no one took the drill seriously, no one could remember the lyrics to Stay’in Alive, and then there was the question of what to do if the person in need of CPR is an organ donor. Things deteriorated rapidly and one dummy was destroyed with a knife while trying to save vital organs. Finally, Steve O gave up and told us to load our stuff in the van.
Once on the road, our drive up was a pleasant one with the fine musical tones of Nickelback, Our Lady Peace, Bare Naked Ladies, and a little bit of Tom Green to get ourselves in a Canadian mood (My bum is on the rail! My bum is on the rail!). We made a stop for paddling on a super low water Black River. Let me tell you reader, the Black River can be fun when it has water, but at minimal flow it is no daisy. It’s no daisy at all. After our scrape session, we headed north to the border. I told Steve O that I would do all the talking and we would be in Canada before we knew it. I informed the guard that I was not there to take part, I was there to take over. There are two things I really like to do: whoop a$$ and look good, and I was planning to do both all week. The guard was not amused by my candor and he sent us to another building for individual background checks. Eventually, they concluded that we were harmless and let us pass.
Rouge River
Once in Canada, we headed straight to the Rouge River for a date with the 7 Sisters. We warmed up on a couple small waterfalls upstream of the put in and then cruised through the normal Class 3-4 run that ends at the start of the sisters. The first and the seventh sisters are straightforward easy rapids but surviving the section from #2 to #6 is quite a formidable undertaking.
We got out to scout the #2/3 combo and plan our route of attack. Both drops have substantial boils and the hydraulic at the bottom of #3 was pulling back hard enough to suck bowling ball through a garden hose! Flawless boofs and powerful strokes between the drops were the key to surviving this kerfuffle. Let me tell you reader, it was a bad banana with a greasy black peel! I’ll admit it, I was nervous. In fact, I was shaking like a dogg pooping thumb tacks! There was nothing to do but get in my boat and lay the Smackdown! I lined up a nice launch of #2, made the stout ferry across the outflow, and got a sweet mega SIKy off #3 to clear the hole! We all had nice lines through this section and headed downstream stoked.
The 4th drop was an oddly shaped 15 footer with a curving lip into a horseshoe boil that would suck you down quicker than a Canuck gulping down a glass of homo milk on a hot day (Canadian slang for homogenized milk). I saw a line on the far left that, with speed and a proper launch, could keep you on the surface. This worked marvelously as I sailed through the air and clear of the boil, water dripping off my kayak like the runny nose from seasonal influenza. Oh Yeah! It was NICHE!!!!
Next up, the combination of #5 and #6 provided one last thrill. #5 was a fun slide into a breaking wave that bends to the left and goes over #6, an even river-wide weir of 8-10 feet with a huge hole at the bottom strong enough to suck the color out a marble. A blown boof stroke here would have horrendous consequences! Fortunately, all of us had nice launches and cleared the hole easily. We all agreed that the 7 Sisters is a fantastic stretch of river and was a great way to start the trip. We all drank Dragon’s Blood out of the victor’s cup that evening to celebrate such a momentous beginning to the trip!
Matawin River
We left the Rouge River and headed toward the remote and beautiful Matawin River, in the wilderness of one of Canada’s national parks. To prepare myself for a long day in the depths of an inescapable canyon, I decided to fuel up on 4Health’s Untamed Wild Boar flavored Dogg Food, guaranteed to feed my primal hunger!
We paddled off into the Canadian wilderness through a mile or so of slow moving water. Soon, we were presented with the first of many horizon lines. The rapids consisted of fun slides and ledges, some with some burly holes waiting at the bottom! Toward the end of the day, we came to a formidable horizon line where the river roared off the infamous 40 footer! 40 feet might be a bit of a stretch for this drop, but it was pretty big nonetheless. Upon scouting, I just had to say, “Would you look at that! Just look at it!” The right side was lower volume and careened off several shelves before entering the pool. After a quick scout, I fired this line up and then climbed up the cliff so I could run the left line too.
The left was much more formidable and had a large amount of volume roaring down a short slope to a nicely formed boof lip. The falls launched into the maw of a horseshoe shaped landing zone surrounded by water cascading in from all directions. When considering a drop of this magnitude, it is important to do an intense self evaluation of one’s self to see if you have the desire and confidence deep inside. I knew I could make it, but who ever knows for sure what will happen when you launch into a boiling cauldron such as this one. Rhys 2.0 had already run this successfully, which made me feel better about the falls. The line was thin but I had it covered like a jimmy hat! I decided to give’r and headed down the tongue, timing a big boof stroke at the lip. I launched my boat way out there and landed flat under the pounding curtain coming in from the sides. I backendered immediately upon landing but rolled just as quickly as I emerged victorious from the spray! Even the remaining miles of mosquito ridden flatwater couldn’t wipe the permagrin off my face!
Mistassibi River
We headed to the Mistassibi for a couple laps of big water fun. We met a French Canadian paddler who gave us information on other runs. He spoke limited English but was amusing to talk to because anyone who had ever done him wrong was automatically labeled as a “F—ing A—hole!” He told us about some big drops that we would see if we went into town. After eating bread and dessert at camp, we were feeling fat and sassy so we went into town in search of stouts! We drove to a spot where we saw a huge slide along the road with tons of volume and huge holes strewn throughout. It may have been my Molson Muscle talking but I truly believed I could successfully run this rapid. Rumor had it that it had only been attempted once by a high profile paddler who had gotten worked and swam so we ultimately decided to skip it. The disappointment of passing on this drop was kind of like finding sh—-y cheese in your poutine but, not to worry, there were still plenty of stouts left to chase.
Mistassini River
The next day, after a 40 pack of Timbits and a double double from Tim Hortons, we decided to go check out a park n huck waterfall on the Mistassini River. The sight of this falls caused me to exclaim, “TABARNAK!” We were staring at a 20 footer with a LOT of water going over it and a massive backwash of monstrous proportions. It was a veritable maelstrom of white! You get stuck in there and it’s game over! The snow is on the roses! The bluebird’s flown away! We scouted for awhile, unsure of the chances of clearing the hole. There was a large wave at the lip, which could potentially launch you.
Rhys 2.0 went first, timing his stroke and clearing the hole. I decided I had seen enough and was ready to take it on. It was time to get dangerous like Darkwing Duck! When running a stout like this, it is important to remember that timing beats speed and precision beats power. I peeled out into the current, I lined up and drove down the slope toward the wave. When I started rising up out of the trough, I took a long, powerful boof stroke to propel myself off the wave. My bow rose and my stern dropped as I aired it out over the hole! I landed stern down but clear of the backwash! Oh yesh! It was SCHWEEEEEEETTTTT!!!!
Feeling confident after seeing two good runs, some of the other group members decided to fire it up! The next five runs all resulted in beatdowns with three of the paddlers swimming out with some massive downtime! Definitely a wild spot! After an intense morning, we decided to opt for a relaxing and fun run down the Metabetchouan at a high flow. Great way to end an awesome day, eh?
Malbaie River
We headed deep into the mountains as we approached our final run in Quebec, the Malbaie. This river is steepest run on the trip and was remote with fantastic scenery. We hiked from our campsite for several miles down an overgrown and undriveable road that was more of a rugged trail. As I walked, I heard some loud animal noises off in the woods so I put my boat down and went to see what was going on. There was a buffalo being attacked by a pack of coyotes. I scared off the coyotes with my paddle and then put a saddle on the buffalo. I attached my boat to his side, climbed on his back, and rode the rest of the way to the river. At one point, a bear came out of the woods and started chasing us. I turned the buffalo around and we charged at the bear. When the bear started running, I yelled, “WHAT! I got a buffalo!”
Once to the river, I set the buffalo free and joined up with the group by the river bank. Heading downstream, we were treated to a series of boulder and ledge rapids that steadily increased in difficulty. A clean 10 footer marked the beginning of the steep section. Soon, we came to an ominous horizon line, marking the infamous Gatineau Falls. This drop is about 35 feet tall and features a sheer freefall on the right with a gnarly backwash or a straight forward cascade on the left. It was a thing of beauty and the only thing left to do was SHRED IT BRAHHHH!!!! I opted for the burlier right line. I timed my stroke and launched a boof that cleared the hole.
Rhys 2.0 stomped out this line as well followed by Ryan LaLumiere*. The rest of the group opted for the left line with everyone having good lines. The last person to go was William Costigan Jr.* and he caught a major launch off the last kicker the left line. This threw him out into the green water and he pancaked hard, injuring his rib. I told him not take a boof stroke but he didn’t listen. He’s a go getter, dumba$$ material all the way!
Heading downstream, I thought we would be approaching the takeout soon but the drops kept coming! There were a surprising amount of really good rapids and small waterfalls on this run, several of which were Class 5! Eventually, we arrived at a bridge marking the end of the run and a great day!
Headed Home
We decided to go have dinner in Quebec City, which was relaxing after all the gnar we had been shredding. After dinner, Steve O was feeling tired so he asked me to drive. While exiting the city, a bus cut me off, nearly causing us to crash. At the next traffic light, I hopped out to have some words with the bus driver. The bus driver’s dismissive attitude made me upset and I lost control of my anger. I grabbed a tire iron from the back of the van and started hitting the bus, smashing in the driver’s side window. When I tried to get back in the van and drive away, some old man trying to be a good Samaritan was blocking my way. I tried shoving him to get him to move but he refused to. I was so pissed off that I just gunned it forward, knocking the old man onto the hood and then onto the road. By this point, the Canadian Royal Mounted Police was after me so I gave the van some gas and sped out of the city. I think they still have a warrant out for my arrest in Quebec. I probably could have handled that situation better, eh? But I digress.
Heading home, we did a quick lap on the beautiful Ausable Chasm in New York and then made the long drive back. What a week! There were so many awesome runs, SIK drops, and a fantastic group to spend the days with! As the klicks (kilometers) rolled by and radio droned on with an off key singer whining, “Look at this photograph!”, I knew this was a trip that I would always remember.
*Ryan LaLumiere and William Costigan Jr. are not real paddlers. They are troll aliases that the Dogg has used to immaturely poke fun at people on kayaking message boards. The Dogg ran Gatinueau Falls three times.
